To Call upon the Racing Gods
Religion is for those who search their souls and yearn for personal enlightenment. Motorsports is about horsepower, competition and mechanics. Is it possible for them to meet halfway while being as fun and interesting as racing? Yup – especially when created by brilliant minds (sick freaks) who love (obsess about) the sport.
Hammerdownus (ham-er-DOW-nus) – God of Acceleration
Interesting feature: his big leaden right foot.
If the tachometer isn’t nearing the red, he isn’t happy.
Chicanus (shuh-KA-nus) – God of Road Courses
Interesting feature: his skin is bumpy and painted in alternating colors.
If you need a hairpin, he’s your go-to-guy.
Revolutia (REV-o-lu-she-uh) – Goddess of Horsepower
Interesting feature: her chariot is pulled by 700 horses.
The horse she rode in on has changed to a Toyota Camry.
Ovaltina (o-val-TEE-na) - Goddess of Circle Tracks
Interesting feature: her finger is constantly pointing to the left.
Who knew going circles could be so nutritious?
Trophia (TRO-fee-uh) – Goddess of Victory
Interesting feature: she changes her shape at will and can be present at various places (tracks, display cases, etc.) at one time.
She really shines in victory lane.
Overwalrus (OH-ver-WALL-rus) – God of Pit Crews
Interesting feature: each of his seven arms represents a pit stall function.
His wife complains that everything he does takes 13 seconds.
Cashius Pay (KASH-ee-us PAY) – God of Sponsors
Interesting feature: he is known for his deep pockets and the stream of press releases he leaves in his wake.
Beware: other gods want to be Cashius Pay, but, as we all know, there is room for
only one Cashius Pay in our sport.
Jaundus (JAWN-dus) – God of Cautions
Interesting feature: The yellow light in his hand shines only when certain drivers
need to pit or need it to tighten up the field.
His philosophy on life: “Debris happens.”
Firesuitor (fi-er-sue-TOR) – God of Drivers
Interesting feature: He displays a flip chart on his chest so his new
number can be displayed every February.
Even his footy pajamas are made of Nomex®.
Syphilia (SI-phil-ee-uh) – Goddess of Pit Lizards
Interesting feature: She carries a shovel to make golddigging easier.
Instead of clothes, she uses vinyls; they go well with all her other plastic parts.
Slickus Maximus (SLICK-us MAX-uh-mus) – God of Asphalt Tracks
Interesting feature: He carries a jet dryer in his pocket so he can style his hair after rain showers.
He’s rather selfish so if you touch his marbles, you’ll pay the price.
Notsotighte (not-so-TIE-tee) – Goddess of Chassis Adjustments
Interesting feature: The bun in her hair is fastened by a wrench. Her height
adjusts with just one round.
She can often be mistaken for Syphilia – in name only.
Fanasaurus Wrecks (FAN-uh-soar-us REX) – God of Spectators
Interesting feature: His head is an original #43 Richard Petty hood and his feet are an old set of scuffs.
He used to call
Tomorrow.
Detrimentos (DET-ri-MENT-os) – God of Cheating
Interesting feature: Squeeze his tummy and he says one of three things:
“This is one of those gray areas; we’re going to appeal this decision.”
“That infraction occurred during post-race celebrating.”
“They used a different template for the other 42 drivers.”
His appearance changes from week to week and sometimes, he disappears
altogether.
Claymethanolstra (CLA-meth-an-OL-stra) – Goddess of Dirt Tracks
Interesting feature: Pigpen from the Peanuts comics is her twin brother.
She loves getting wet and having people slide all over her.
Purcheus (PUR-chee-us) – God of Team Owners
Interesting feature: He knows the rule book like the back of his hand…. because that is where it is written.
Winning makes him so happy. If only he could park his yacht in the infield.
In every garage and track in the world, racers, mechanics and fans have been known to beg, plead, and swear to whatever “Supreme Being” they hold dear. We do, too. Now we just have a few more to the list. We know our prayers will not get answered, but our bunch is a lot more fun.
Have an addition to our list or want to submit artwork picturing one of our deities? E-mail it to ahegeman@comcast.net or kim_carlino@yahoo.com.
